Through Thick and Thin
by thisbridgeismine
Summary: "I'll do whatever you want just don't hurt them." I plead desperately. He laughs cynically before replying, "I'm glad to hear that." He pauses before continuing, "Because I want you to rape Hanna."
1. Unforgivable

Disclaimer: If I did, I wouldn't be here.

Warning: Deals with rape and other mature content. If this bothers you then don't read, simple as that.

A/N: Thanks to my beta Sharpie Ninja, now I officially have someone to blame for my grammar mistakes.

* * *

Entering my room I drop my bag on the floor and lay down as I wait for Spencer to show up for our study date. Hearing my cell's ringtone alerting me of a new text I take out my phone and open the message.

_Get online, we are going to video chat. –A_

I quickly grab my laptop. This is really weird; A has never contacted us this way. I log into my e-mail to see a video request and quickly accept it. The first thing I see is two people tied to chairs with bags over their faces. What the hell is this? I'm startled when a hooded figure wearing a mask comes out and starts talking in a distorted voice, "Glad you could join me Emily."

"Wh- What's going on?" I asked terrified of the answer.

"See what's going on is that I'm bored and I want some entertainment. But I'm feeling nice and I am willing to let you chose how I will entertain myself tonight." He moves towards the other figures and takes of the bags over their heads. I feel my body grow cold when I recognize Spencer and Caleb's unconscious faces. I feel my heart start racing when A pulls out a knife. "See what I was going to do was kill your friends here and have you watch but I'm thinking that maybe I can negotiate."

"I'll do whatever you want just don't hurt them." I plead desperately.

He laughs cynically before replying, "I'm glad to hear that." He pauses before continuing, "Because I want you to rape Hanna."

"What?! You're crazy, I can't do that." I yell perplexed.

"Well then…" He moves the knife towards Spencer's throat, "Say good-bye."

"Wait!" I feel my heart beating rapidly as he halts his movements, "Please, I'll do anything else."

"This is not negotiable! You have two options only: watch me murder or I watch you rape." The silence is deafening as I try to find a way out. "Fine, you made your choice." He places the knife on Spencer's throat once again.

I know I'm about to sell my soul to the devil but with trepidation I make my decision quickly. "I'll do it."

"Good." He lowers the knife obviously pleased, "You have until 7 today. Under your pillow you'll find a bag of pills, give her two with water and it will make your job so much easier. Don't disappoint me Emily."

* * *

"Hanna, can you come over to my house right now?" I ask her desperately over the phone. I can feel my stomach turning as the guilt tears me up. I can't believe that I am going to do this to her, to my best friend.

"I can't Emily I have a date with Caleb he should be here any minute now?" I feel bad hearing her so excited for a date that I know isn't going to happen, but she doesn't know her boyfriends whereabouts at the moment, if she did she wouldn't be so calm.

"Hanna it's an emergency. It's about Caleb; you need to come over now." I plead her, she has to come otherwise I know they won't survive.

"What's going on Em?" I can hear the worry in her voice making me feel worse for what I am going to do to her.

"I'll tell you when you get here." I tell her vaguely, I can't be honest with her. I wish there was a way to evade this but I know A doesn't give empty threats. If A killed Ali then A won't hesitate to kill Spencer and Caleb.

"But what about Caleb?"

"Don't worry about that I'll take care of it, just get over here quickly?"

"Okay, I'll see you in a few."

_Good job Emily, just remember if you want your friends to live, I expect a spectacular performance. You know what to do. –A_

As I wait for Hanna to show up I can feel the anxiety kick in full mode. I feel like throwing up knowing that what I am about to do to my friend is unforgivable.

"Emily what's going on?" She asks when she enters my room.

"Here drink this." I hand her a glass of water that only A and I know the contents of. Hopefully this will make it easier on her. Maybe she won't remember. I try to reassure myself but I feel like I'm going to breakdown any second.

"But I'm not thirsty."She whines.

"Just drink it Hanna." I plead to her while in my head I keep telling myself that I am doing the right thing. She drinks it hesitantly but drinks it all nonetheless. "Come on, lay down." I lead her to the bed.

"Emily I don't feel well." She slurs, the drugs obviously taking effect immediately.

"I'm sorry Hanna." I whisper to her. I straddle her and begin to take her shirt off.

"What are you doing?" She tries to slap my hands away but she is too weak to do so. "Stop it Emily. I don't want to." Once it is off I'm hit with strong sense of nausea, I quickly get off of her and start pacing my room. "I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this." I mumble to myself. I hear my cell phone ring.

_In the next video they won't be alive. Remember what I said a full show and Hanna never finds out about this. –A_

Attached is a picture of Spencer and Caleb, both unconscious and tied down to chairs, the knife against their throats clearly visible. I try to muster all the courage that I can to force myself to continue, I undress myself completely and continue undressing Hanna.

"Emily stop I don't want to do this please."Hearing he plead to me breaks my heart and I can't help but begin to cry, "I'm so sorry Hanna but I have to do this."

I take off her underwear which is the last article if clothing that she is wearing. I position my body on top of her and between her legs. When she starts crying I almost stop but I remind myself that two lives are at stake. I kiss her cheek and start planting kisses along her shoulder my body on top of hers. Our bodies are pressing against each other, our skin touching. I put my hand on her stomach and start to move it downward. "Please don't do this Emily." She whimpers, quietly sobbing.

"I'm sorry." I reply. My hand finally reaches its destination and I gently begin to rub her folds. She groans at the contact and arches her body into my hand.

"Stop." She tries to push me off of her again but the drugs in her system don't allow her. I begin moving my fingers back and forth between her folds trying to stimulate her before I enter her. I feel disgusted when I start to feel my own arousal. I shouldn't feel aroused; I'm raping my friend and taking advantage of her, this is so wrong on so many levels.

"Just try to relax." I whisper. I position a finger near her entrance.

I slowly enter her and she groans and continues crying, "Please stop." Hearing her ask me so desperately, it breaks me. I bury my face in her shoulder crying silently as I start to move gently in and out of her. I try to think of anything that does not remind me of what I'm currently doing. I continue a steady rhythm wanting this to end as quickly as possible. "Emily…" She moans out and by the tightness I feel I know that she is close. Within seconds I feel her body shudder and then grow limp under me.

"I'm so sorry Hanna." I pull out of her, get up and cover her with a blanket. I find my clothes and quickly redress myself. My body feels heavy with guilt. I look at her face and observe her bloodshot eyes, the tears streaming down her face. She looks so broken and it's my fault, I broke her and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself and I don't think I ever want her to forgive me as well.

_Spectacular performance Emily, I really enjoyed the show. You just saved two of your friends' lives, congratulations. –A_

Angry and frustrated I scream and throw my cell phone against the wall shattering into various pieces. I reach for the door to leave when her voice stops me, "Why?" I stare at her knowing what she is asking me but know that I can't answer her, its part of the deal. "Why did you do it? How- how could you?" She sobs out.

"I had too." I reply and walk out the door, knowing that by the time I come back she'll be gone and so will everybody else. I made a decision and now I have to pay for it.


	2. Alone

Disclaimer: If I did I wouldn't be here.

Warning: Deals with rape and other mature content.

A/N: Thanks to my beta Sharpie Ninja.

* * *

By the time I return home it's already late and I can tell Hanna has been gone for a while now. I look at the bed, remembering everything that I did, all that I have lost. I quickly remove the sheets and replace them with new ones. I fear the repercussions to my actions. I can't tell them the truth. They won't forgive me. I don't want to be forgiven. I don't deserve it.

I spend the weekend alone. No contact from anybody, not from A, not from my friends, not even from Paige. Yet I am grateful for that, I don't think I can handle seeing anyone right now. I keep on thinking about Hanna though, how she is. I feel disgusted with myself and I hate the idea that I'll probably feel like this for the rest of my life. The weekend passes too quickly for me; I just wish that I could stay here on my bed, under the covers, pretending that the outside world doesn't exist.

I'm dreading going to school and I can feel my stomach turning into knots but I can't hide forever. Once I get to school I see Hanna surrounded by Caleb, Spencer, Aria, and Toby. I can't help but notice that she looks tired, dark circles around her eyes. Upon noticing my presence they all glare at me but Caleb gets up and makes his way towards me. His hands are balled into fist and then he swings at me, his fist connecting with my face. I stumble and fall to the ground. Tears are streaming down my face as I hold my face feeling the throbbing pain.

"You fucking bitch! How could you do that to her, she trusted you, we trusted you. You probably set this all up with A. A kidnaps us and makes us watch while you rape Hanna." He makes a move to kick me but Hanna comes quickly to hold him back.

"Don't Caleb." She whispers to him without acknowledging me. He looks at me the anger radiating from every bone in his body, probably wishing he could kill me. "Come on, she isn't worth it."

She pulls at his arm but he just keeps glaring at me, "Don't you dare go near her ever again because I swear I'll fucking kill you." He turns to leave and I look at my other friends, how they seem shocked at the scene. When they notice me staring at them their shocked faces are replace with anger but I can see that Aria and Toby's seem apprehensive, I'm guessing they didn't see the video. They didn't see me become a monster before their eyes.

I finally stand up and make my way towards the nurse's office. I can already feel my face starting to swell as it painfully throbs. I make up a story about falling down the stairs but by the time lunch starts everyone knows Caleb hit me but nobody knows why. I'm grateful for that knowing that I would be treated worse if they did. I don't even bother with lunch, it's not like I'm hungry anyway. I head to the swimming pool hoping to find it empty but upon entering I see that Paige is there.

"Hi Paige." I move towards her to hug her but she holds me back putting her hands on my shoulders.

"I would slap you right now but I think Caleb did a good job on your face." I frown at her statement backing away from her. "Imagine my surprise when I get a video of my girlfriend not only cheating on my but raping her best friend. We're done Emily; I don't ever want to see you again." She walks out leaving me alone. Now I've really lost everybody.

* * *

After swim practice I make my way home, frustrated and angry I throw myself on my bed letting the tears out. I'm losing control over my life, the guilt consumes me. I can't deal with this, I hate myself. I start on my homework I need to keep myself occupied. Just as I finish my English paper I get an e-mail.

_Thank you Emily you have made these last two days entertaining. I just have one question for you, are you breaking yet? –A_

I close my laptop roughly and start my math homework when I hear a knock on my door.

"Come in." I reply hesitantly, I hope I don't get beat up again. When I see Mona walk through the door and into my room I'm surprised. "Mona, what are you doing here?"

"Emily…this is probably unexpected." I notice she seems nervous. Well this is really awkward.

"Not to be rude but what are you doing here?" I notice her shift seemingly nervous which is a weird sight for me considering I'm used to the confident and sassy Mona.

"Well I overheard you talking with Caleb toady."

"I hardly call that talking," I scoff. "But was it before or after he punched me?"

She blushes obviously embarrassed, "All of it. Look I know you and I have never been friends but I find it hard to believe that you would do something so malicious as to rape Hanna."

I look away not wanting to see another person lose faith in me. "Well I did."

She frowns at my response, "Well I think there is more to this story because if you had done that with bad intentions you wouldn't look so guilty and sad."

"Why are you doing this, we've never been friends before I never did anything to defend you against Allison." She looks at me with determination on her face and I can see traces of the old Mona.

"But you did help me out once. You probably don't remember but once, when Allison was being particularly cruel calling me names and such just before you left you turned around to me and said 'Don't listen to her Mona, you're a very beautiful person and I know that one day you are going to grow up to be someone very important.' After that I started to change and it was that summer that I started to hang out with Hanna but I never forgot your words. You were the first person to acknowledge me and compliment me. I know you are a good person Emily, you are kind and sweet, but you are also very determined and you'll protect your friends at any cost."

I sit there in shock trying to process everything that Mona just said. For the first time in the last 48 hours I feel hope. "I said that?"

"You did." She nods in confirmation.

"I…" I'm speechless I don't know what to say.

"Look all I'm saying is if you need a friend, I'm here, I trust that you are a good person and I hope that this problem gets resolved."

"Thank you Mona. That means a lot to me." I tell her sincerely. Her offer of friendship has really touched me.

"You're welcome. Well I got to go, there's a sale at the mall and I saw the cutest heels ever." She gives me a small piece of paper. "Here is my number if you want to hang out or anything. Bye Emily."

"Bye Mona." I reply with a laugh, holding the paper in my hand. Maybe I'm not completely alone.

* * *

A/N: Thanks to those who reviewed: vale89- Thanks for reading, I also love Hanna/Emily pairing, linkinparklover4321- Thanks for reading and I'm definitely continuing this, Guest- Thanks. Thanks to everyone who read, alerted and favorited.


	3. No Going Back

Disclaimer: If I did I wouldn't be here.

Warning: Mature content.

A/N: Thanks to my beta Sharpie Ninja.

* * *

Its been a week since the incident and I feel terrible. None of my friend or ex-friends are talking to me but I can't blame them for that. Hanna won't look at me and I understand that but it still hurts. I expected that, what I didn't expect was the bullying that has begun. The pushes against the wall, the shoves, dropping my books. I've become the human target in gym class. No matter what sport we are playing I always seem to get hurt. I've become a regular at the nurse's office. Just today while I was collecting my books from my locker Spencer passed by and knocked all of my books and papers from my hands. I saw the look of regret on Toby and Aria's faces but they won't talk to me. The only thing that has made this week bearable is Mona, she hangs out with me at lunch and she is the only person who treats me like a human being.

I dreadfully make my way towards gym. We are playing baseball today. Once I'm dress I head to the field. We make teams and like always I'm not chosen in the team that includes Spencer and Caleb. We start the game and I am pitching to Caleb. I gather strength and pitch the ball to Caleb, he swings and misses.

"Strike one." The coach says as the catcher throws the ball back to me. I throw the ball again but his time Caleb doesn't swing the bat, "Strike two." The coach says. I throw the ball again this time Caleb swings hitting the ball and before I can react and move out of the way I feel the ball connect to my stomach sending jolts of pain all over my body. I hold my stomach in pain as I fall to the floor coughing and struggling to breathe, the pain unbearable. Before falling unconscious I see the concerned faces of the coach, Mona and Hanna.

* * *

I wake up in the nurse's office feeling extremely sore. I sit up and remove the ice packs from my stomach. Upon inspection I can see it's already bruised.

"How are you feeling?" I turn to look at Mona sitting in a nearby chair.

"Ehh, I've been better." I try to stand up and groan at the pain and decide to sit down instead. I look at Mona who looks worried and sad. "I'll be okay. I just need a little help getting up, getting my clothes, my back-pack, my books..." I frown at the long list.

Mona smiles, "Don't worry I got all your stuff already and I put it in your car."

"What? But how could you? You don't know any of my locker combinations."

She looks sheepish, "Well Hanna does and she opened them for me so that I could bring you your stuff."

"Oh." Talking about Hanna always brings back feelings of guilt and memories of that night.

"She was really worried about you. She got really angry at Caleb and they had this huge fight he stormed off all angry. Aria and Toby asked me if you were okay." I feel a tinge of hope at the thought that the people I love might still care about me but I know that things will never be the same. I deserve whatever happens to me if not worse. I choose to ignore that.

"Can you help me to my car?"

"Sure." She helps me stand up and puts her arm around my waist. We slowly make our way to the parking lot, luckily people were still in class and we didn't have to worry about crowds. "Thank you."

"Do you want me to drive you?"

"I'll be fine. Thank you for everything Mona, I don't think I would have survived this last week without you."

"Don't mention it. Call me if you need anything."

Upon entering the house I'm greeted by my mother's concerned face, "Emily are you okay? I was just about to go pick you up. They told me you got injured in gym class."

"Yeah it was just an accident. But I'll be okay, nothing a bit of rest won't fix." I tell her as I start to make my way up the stairs.

"Emily what's going? You've been distant lately. You look sad, you spend all your time locked up in your room, I haven't seen any of the girls or Paige for about a week."

"Paige broke up with me and the girls and I… we had a disagreement and I think a little time apart will do us good."

"Okay," she nods her head in understanding, "I still think you should go out, it's not healthy to stay locked up inside all day." I nod my head and continue making my way upstairs. I take a few pain pills before laying down to rest.

* * *

By the time I wake up I've already missed the first two classes and choose to take a day off. I grab my new cell phone to see a few texts from Mona.

_Hey how are you feeling?_

_I'm guessing you're not coming to school today._

_Text me when you wake up I want to make sure you're okay._

I send her a quick message.

_Hey I'm okay just decided I needed a day off to rest thanks for asking._

Not even a minute later I receive a reply. Two messages.

_Okay I'll come over later to bring you your hw. Xoxo_

_I heard you're good at baseball maybe you should quit swimming. How does it feel knowing your friends will never forgive you? –A _

I don't even know what to feel anymore. I'm tired of feeling angry, sad and this guilt. I'm so fucking tired. I put my phone gently down; I can't afford a new one. After showering I spend my day doing homework and cleaning my room. I make my way downstairs to make something to eat. I take out a plate of left-over food and heat it up. I grab a cup to serve myself a drink when the doorbell rings startling me and causing to drop the glass as it shatters. As I try to pick up the pieces I accidently cut myself, the shard digging into my palm causing blood to spill out.

"Shit." I curse already feeling the pain in my hand. The doorbell rings again, "I'm coming!" I yell towards the door. I grab a rag and hastily wrap it around my hand trying to stop the blooding. I open the door expecting to see Mona but surprised to see Aria standing there looking Nervous. I stare at her for awhile not sure what to do.

"Can I come in?" She asks timidly.

"Uh sure." I let her in.

She notices the bloody rag on my hand and concern over washes her face, "Are you okay?"

"Uh yeah, just a little accident."

"Do you need help?"

"No just give me a second." I go to the bathroom and wash my hand. The second that the water hits my wound I feel a sting, but for once the pain feels good, the pain is welcomed. After that I wrap my hand in a bandage and return to Aria, "How can I help you?"

"I just wanted to see how you were?" She asks me and I can see she is sincere.

"You ask after all this time?"

"Can you blame me?"

"No, but I can blame you for being here now. You shouldn't be here. You know what, I think you should leave." I cross my arms over my chest. I know Aria and she can get the truth out of me, I can't afford to be with her, it's just going to hurt more later.

"Emily, I… I need to know…" She doesn't even know how to be around me anymore.

"I did it. I raped her. She begged me not and I still did it anyway. You can leave now."

She starts crying but soon her face is replaced with anger, "How could you do that to Hanna? All this time I held on to a little piece of hope. You were the good one in the group, the one with noble intentions, the sweet and kind one, the one who would never hurt a fly and now…"

"Now I'm a monster, I know. Now let yourself out." I tell her harshly, desperately trying to hold back the tears.

"What's going on here?" I turn to look at Mona, "The door was opened." She says looking directly at me.

Aria doesn't respond she just leaves without a second glance.

* * *

A/N: Guest-Thanks, xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx- Thanks? I hope it was a good unexpected, literarylesbian37-All in good time and I have in mind Hanna/Emily as endgame but we'll see as the story unfolds, demeryn- Thank you, buttahbenzo- Yeah I know Caleb is coming off as a jerk but he's trying to protect Hanna, vale89- You'll have to wait and see because even I'm not sure where I'm going with this, eventually Hanna will understand, thanks , BrookeMartaay- Thank you, that's what I was going for, RainBlueWater- Thank you . Thanks to everyone who alerted, favorite and read.


	4. Faith

Disclaimer: If I did I wouldn't be here.

Warning: Mature content.

A/N: Thanks to my beta Sharpie Ninja because I really hate proofreading.

* * *

The days that come seem to be getting worse, Aria doesn't acknowledge me, and Caleb and Spencer still push me around and call me names. Lately I can't seem to handle the torture anymore and the loneliness seems to be getting to me more these days. My thoughts haunt me. Some nights I can't sleep, I get nightmares about that night, all ending differently, some with me killing Hanna, others with me killing myself. Today I find myself restless, pacing back and forth in my room.

"I can't handle this." I whisper to myself as I make my way into the bathroom and splash water on my face. I look at my reflection and frown. There are dark circles under my eyes. I look lifeless; I can't even remember the last time I smiled. How did I get here; losing control over my life, losing my friends? I'm broken and I'm to blame. Angry, I punch the mirror as it shatters into a million pieces. "Fuck!" I scream. I look at the blood on my knuckles. I feel pain radiating, tingling up my arm. I grab a shard and observe it, debating. But the pain that I feel in my chest doesn't make it difficult and the next thing I know I'm dragging the shard across my arm watching the blood flow out. For the first time in many days I feel calm.

A knock on the door startles me from my thoughts.

"Who is it?" I call out from the bathroom.

"Only the most awesome person in the world." I hear Mona's cheery voice through the door.

"Come in Mona, I'll be out in a second." I call out trying to keep my voice steady.

"Okay." She replies and I faintly hear her open the door to my bedroom.

I quickly try to clean my wounds and bandage them up. I frown at my hand; this is going to be hard to hide and to explain for that matter. I roll my sleeves down; at least I can hide my arms.

"What's taking you so long?" Mona calls out, clearly impatient.

"Hold on." I try to clean the mess as quietly as possible and try to look relaxed as I walk into my room.

"So are you ready to go to the mall?" She asks me eagerly.

"Yeah just let me grab my purse."

"Emily what happened to your hand?" She gasps as she grabs hold of my hand.

"Nothing I just had an accident." I mumble and pull my hand away from hers.

"With what?" She asks concerned and I looked down ashamed. It feels strange to have her worried about me especially when I feel so abandoned and worthless.

"Emily…" She calls out softly to me.

"I just got angry okay and the mirror happened to be in front of me. I'll be okay." I try to sound reassuring.

"Emily, I told you that if you ever want to talk…" She grabs my hand gently again. "I just don't want this to become a habit."

I contemplate her words before answering, "It won't, I promise." I smile weakly at her and then she surprises me as she hugs me. I instantly tense at the contact.

"Are you okay?" She asks as she pulls away.

"Yeah it's just… no one has touched me since… I mean… I can't even hug my mother without feeling guilty." I mutter feeling ashamed of my emotions, my vulnerabilities, my weakness.

"I'm sorry." She says embarrassed.

"Don't be… So are you ready to go?"

"Yes I saw the cutest top last week. I got it in red but I think I want to get it in blue…" And just like that, the awkwardness is gone and the old Mona is back.

* * *

"That top was gorgeous I don't know why you didn't want to try it on you would have looked so sexy in it, I mean it would go perfect with your skin tone…"

"I just didn't like it." Not telling her that the reason why I didn't want to try on clothes was written across my arms.

"Honey I'm the fashionista here." She says confidently. I'll admit that hanging out with Mona today has really lifted my spirits, these last few weeks all I have done is go to school and go home.

"Want to go get some milkshakes and some fries?" I ask her and realize that it is a habit from when I use to go to the mall with my friends.

"Sure why not?"

As we head to the food court I notice her blonde her. They are all together, Spencer, Toby, Aria, Caleb and Hanna. They are all at a table eating.

"Maybe we should go somewhere else."

"What wh- oh," She stops when she notices who I am staring at. "Well whatever you're more comfortable with." But before we can leave it's already too late and Caleb is already making his way over to us.

"Well, look who it is, the rapist and the traitor." He says with hate dripping from his voice. Out of the corner of my eye I can see her making her way over, follow by the rest.

"Look, hobo, we came to shop not to associate with you nerds so why don't you make like a tree and leave." Mona tells Caleb as the rest join us.

"How could you do this to Hanna, Mona? You call yourself her best friend." He scoffs as he gets closer to us. I can see Hanna trying to drag Caleb away but failing miserably as he doesn't seem to budge.

"First of all, you obviously don't know anything so don't you dare accuse me, second, get a haircut you look like a girl and third of all… get out of my face before I make you." She practically growls the last part and for a second I feel proud that she is defending me.

He backs of for a second, "Fine whatever, I didn't come over here to talk to you anyway." He turns to me, "It's this bitch." He spits out as he shoves me, pushing me with both hands against my shoulders and I fall to the floor.

"Caleb!" I look at Hanna who seems very angry. "That's it. We are done, I told you to let it go."

He looks shocked, "Hanna, you can't be serious?"

"I am." She says as she walks away. He chases after her followed by Aria. I stand up slowly with the help of Mona to see that Toby and Spencer haven't left yet. Toby looks ashamed while Spencer glares at me.

"I bet you're happy now?" She tells me. I stare at her but don't answer, quickly she raises her hand to slap me as I close my eyes and brace myself for the impact but it never comes. When I open my eyes I am shocked to see that Toby is holding Spencer's hand, stopping her from hurting me. I look at Mona and see that she is also shocked.

"What do you think you are doing Toby? Let me go." Spencer glares at Toby as she tries to pull her hand from his grasp without success.

"Not if you are going to hit her." He says with a serious tone.

"Toby, why are you defending her? You know what she did."

"Yes, I know what she did but I don't know why she did it. Did you even ask her that?"

"That doesn't matter. She doesn't deserve anything but hate from us." She turns to glare at me and I face away from her and the truth behind her statement.

"You are forgetting something Spence, she was the only one that had faith in me when everyone thought that I was guilty, she was the only one that gave me a chance, that gave me friendship and now I'm going to give that back to her. I already let a lot of things happen that shouldn't have but I'm not going to anymore." His tone leaves no room for discussion and when he lets go of her she storms off angrily.

"You didn't have to do that Toby. I don't want to cause problems between you guys." I'm grateful that he stood up for me but now I have the added guilt of possibly ruining two relationships.

"No, I did have to do that Emily, you don't deserve the way they are treating you." He smiles in that charming way, "Remember you're different Emily, but good different. I have faith that this will clear up." He moves towards me and gives me a quick hug, "I probably should go after her but if you need anything… you still have my number." He lets go and turns to Mona, "Take care of her."

"Will do and loser, you are now officially cool in my book." He smiles at her and walks away.

* * *

A/N - xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: Thank you! And I hope you don't stop reading. Catlover10808: Eventually they will. Naymo: Thank you I'm glad you are enjoying it! Zimi: Thank you. Guest: Thanks! literarylesbian37: They will, I'm not sure how they'll get there, but they will. Guest: Will do and thanks. Guest: They will find out. Soon, I think so. Just taking it one chapter at a time so we'll see. Iluvfadam: Sorry I couldn't update when you were bored. t: No, at the moment all I have planned for Mona and Emily is just friendship. Thanks to everyone who read, alerted and favorite.


	5. Happy?

Disclaimer: If I did, I wouldn't be here.

Warning: Deals with mature content.

A/N: Thanks to my beta Sharpie Ninja, if you find any mistake blame her for it. :)

* * *

These last few days have been rough. According to Mona, Caleb and Hanna haven't gotten back together and though Caleb has backed off, Spencer hasn't. She's more aggressive now, probably blaming me for destroying Hanna and Caleb's relationship and becoming a problem for her and Toby. When he is around, he doesn't allow her to touch me.

_Emily, have you thought about joining me? I think you might be better at hurting your friends than I am. -A_

I put my cell phone away trying to hide my frustration from Mona as we make our way to class.

"What's with the long sleeves, aren't you hot Emily?" I unconsciously tuck my sleeves down as I quickly make up an excuse.

"It's one of my favorite shir-" I don't get to finish my sentence when I'm pushed roughly against the lockers. I feel a sharp pain on my back as it connects with cold metal. I look up to see Spencer retreating figure, glad that I didn't have my books this time.

"Watch where you're walking Hastings?" Mona calls out loudly to Spencer.

She stops and turns around to glare at us as I stand up, "Or what Vanderwaal?"

"You don't want to mess with me." Mona replies with anger.

"Are you threatening me?" She says looking more pissed.

Without flinching and unwavering determination Mona replies, "Yes, I am and I don't give a shit that your mommy and daddy are lawyers." They both glare at each other and for a moment I fear a physical confrontation.

Spencer scoffs before replying, "Whatever." She turns around and keeps walking down the hall. With a frown I stare at her retreating figure. I don't blame her for how she treats me, I deserve it. Spencer has always been very fierce, especially when it comes to defending and protecting those that she loves and as much as it hurts I know that I'm not part of that group anymore. I can't help but miss her. Thankfully I have Mona. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and open it to read a text.

_How long do you think this friendship will last before someone gets hurt? -A_

* * *

I feel on edge, though Mona has been there for me constantly I am afraid of getting close again, of having to hurt her. Because of that, lately it seems like my only friends are long sleeves and a razor blade. It may have started as an accident but soon it became a daily habit and as much as I would like to say that I control my habits in reality my habits control me. That instance when the blade touches my skin, I forget. I drag it across and I don't remember. The blood flows out and I'm free. The pain only lasts a bit and I deserve it.

I walk into my bathroom, to begin this self destructive cycle. Grab the blade, press it against my skin, drag it causing the skin to break and blood to flow out. It's my life flowing out and leaving my body.

And I think I have finally found the solution to all of this, to end my pain and ensure that I never hurt anyone ever again. I'll be doing everyone a favor.

This time the cuts get deeper, harsher and more frequent. Kill the monster inside of me, kill myself.

I go to lie down and let the darkness that is inside me finally consume me.

* * *

_The first thing I notice is her beautiful long blond hair. Next her blue eyes filled with sadness. She hesitates but she grabs my hand softly for a moment before letting go to run her fingertips gently over my bandaged arm. _

"_I'm sorry. I didn't want to…" I whisper before exhaustion consumes me and I fall asleep._

I wake up feeling disoriented and exhausted. Looking at my mother beside me instantly brings fear and sadness. I didn't even think of her when I did it. Or maybe I did but I choose to ignore it in a moment of pain. How do I explain this mess that I have made?

"Emily?" I turn to look at my mother, eyes read and tired. "Honey, I'm so glad your okay." She hugs me as I stay motionless. I can't do this. What am I suppose to say. If I tell anybody the reason why I did this, what has been going on and A finds out… A can kill them.

Her soft demeanor quickly changes, "What were you thinking?! Were you even thinking at all? How would I have told your father? What would I have done without you?"

She says the last part with sadness but I can't look at her, I feel ashamed. I don't reply either, I let the silence consume the room, consume me. I can't speak and I make my choice not to. Because I spoke, I chose to rape my friend and lost control of my life.

"Emily, are you even listening to me? Emily… Sweetie… I'm going to go get the doctor, I'll be right back."

Failure. Shame. Guilt. I don't want to live this way. I don't want to live with this guilt and this pain torturing me for the rest of my life. I wish it could all just go away.

The door opens again, expecting my mom and the doctor I don't even bother looking.

"Hey." I turn and face her, I didn't expect her here. I can't decide when she looked more awkward when she came into my room after finding out I raped Hanna or now after being hospitalized for trying to take away my life.

"Why didn't you say anything? I told you that you could come to me for anything." She frowns as she looks at my arms. "Do you know how scary it was finding you like that, I thought you were dead? She would- I would have never forgiven myself."

Mona saved my life when I didn't want to be saved. I can't be mad at her, I know she did the right thing but nothing seems right anymore.

I don't answer any of her questions. "You're not going to talk to me?" She lets out a sigh at my lack of reaction.

I turn around, facing away from my last friend.

* * *

Anti-depressants and therapy. But none of that will help when my problem is external, A, and I refuse to speak to my therapist or anyone else for that matter. After three days I was finally discharged to go home. It didn't surprise me to see that my mother had gotten rid of all my razors and the medicine in my bathroom. She even went as far as to ask Toby to remove my bedroom door but I'm guessing she was also hoping he could get me to talk.

"_So are you going to tell me why your mom asked me to remove your bedroom door?" He asks me as he takes out the bolts to the door. I lie down on my bed watching him work but ignore his questions._

"_No? Okay. How about why you've been absent from school these last few days?"_

"_Are you going to say anything at all?" He sighs as he finally unhooks the door and places it in the hallway. He leans against the door frame as he stares intently at me, his blue eyes staring deeply, trying to figure out my secrets. I turn around and face away._

"_Emily?" _

"Emily?" I ignore her like I have been for the last 30 minutes and the last few days.

She lets out a sigh, "Emily, these sessions are to help you and unless you speak I can't help you. We want to make sure that you never feel the need to take away your life again but we need to know why you did it in the first place."

"Did someone hurt you?" I tense at the question, a reaction that doesn't go unnoticed by Dr. Sullivan observant eyes. "Emily if someone is hurting you, you need to tell me and I'll make sure that you are safe."

I respond the same way I've answered all of her questions, with silence. "In many cases people choose not to speak in order to feel like they have control but you are only giving control to those who are hurting you. They are holding that power over you."

I don't acknowledge her but for the first time I am actually listening to what she is saying.

"Well this session is over. I'll let your mom know when the next appointment is. But Emily before you leave, know that you have people who care about you and are willing to help you. It is possible to get control of your life again and be happy, but you have to want it and fight for it."

I don't think I know what happiness feels like anymore. At this point I wonder if I have lost control to A or if I gave A that power. I stand up and walk out with one last thought plaguing my mind: do I want to be happy?

* * *

A/N: literarylesbian37: I'm glad you were pleased with Toby; I've always liked the friendship he has had with Emily so I had to include it. Soon they'll be in the same team. Guest: Thank you I'm glad you enjoyed it. Catlover10808: Thanks. Guest: Thanks. Zimi: I'm glad you are enjoying Em/Mona friendship because I was a little unsure of it. I think they will work out for her and as for a showdown very soon. Thank you! yowzers: Thank you I'm glad you are. You're right, I hadn't thought about it that way. You can't see it but you can imagine it and hopefully you won't have to wait that long. Naymo: I'm glad you like Mona and Toby friendship with Emily. Self-harm is a big issue nowadays and I wanted to portray it in a realistic way without offending anyone. For a guy he has really nice hair it was 'almost' a compliment. xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: Hopefully this chapter gave you a little clue about Mona. :) SilentREader: I like Spemily as well so I understand but Spencer has a good reason to be mad. Hope this chapter explains a bit about Mona. PLLover: Thank you as writer it's interesting to see what kind of reactions the readers get. charlie1010101010: Thank you. shayrhin10: Thank you! And I'm sorry it made you cry but they will be friends and hopefully soon. Guest: Thank you, that's exactly what I was going for, something different and I'm glad people are enjoying it, as for the pull I think it's the sadistic side in us. I couldn't leave Emily completely friendless. Eventually they will let her explain. I appreciate all the reviews and thanks to everyone who read, alerted, favorited.


	6. Control

Disclaimer: If I did, I wouldn't be here.

Warning: Mature content.

A/N: Thanks to my Beta Sharpie Ninja, my spelling and grammar check button is no longer necessary.

* * *

Was it a dream? Was Hanna at the hospital? Ever since I came back to school I've caught her staring at me. If she was there then who told her? The only person I can think of is Mona. But I'll never know because I'm not going to ask either of them. Lost in my thoughts I don't have time to avoid a body collision or stop the books from scattering all over the floor. I quickly start picking up the books when a soft hand touches mine and stops me from continuing.

"It's okay but you better walk away now because Spencer is heading this way." I look up, surprised to find out it's her who I crashed with. I quickly move my hand away and almost regret my action when I notice the hurt look on her face but also concern. Her eyes always give her away when she is sad, just like Aria when she is worried. Once again I find myself wondering about the hospital. I pull myself out of my thoughts and turn around to see Spencer quickly making her way over.

"Go." She whispers, I turn around and look at her again. I wish I could tell her everything. That I could fix this mess and get rid of the sadness in her eyes but I can't. Almost as if she could read my mind she smiles at me, it's small and sad smile but a smile nonetheless as if she is telling me that it's alright. It makes me feel good inside when she smiles, like none of this ever happened, like we are still two normal teenage girls who worry about who to take to prom instead of being afraid of an unknown stalker and our beeping cell phones. This is a really fucked up situation.

"Go," She whispers again.

I stand up but before I can leave Spencer finally reaches us and grabs my wrist, holding me back. "Now where do you think you are going?" I grimace at the pressure she puts on my still healing cuts.

"Spencer let her go, you're hurting her." I don't have to look at her to know that she is scared. I can hear it in her voice, but is she scared Spencer or for me?

"Good, she deserves it." As she applies more pressure and stares me down. It's always easy to tell when she is mad just by looking at her eyes.

"Spence-" Hanna starts again but is cut off.

"What Hanna? You can't break up with me." She says while still holding my arm firmly but staring at Hanna.

"Spencer! You're hurting her let her go now." She goes from worried to alarm as she stares at our hands, its then when we both notice my white long sleeve shirt getting soaked in blood.

"What the-" For the first time in my presence, after what I did to Hanna, Spencer is not only speechless but concerned. Her grip on my hand lessens but not enough for me to pull away. She slowly rolls my sleeve down as I struggle to break free unsuccessfully. Upon noticing the cuts I hear them both gasp but Spencer is the only one that seems shocked. Taking advantage of Spencer's moment of distraction I pull away rolling my sleeve down and get ready to run but once again Spencer stops me but this time by grabbing my arm gently.

"Emily." I can't look at her, it was easier when she was angry but now she sounds worried. "Wha- why… why would you do this?"

I feel anger rise in me, she's not allowed to care. She's supposed to be angry with me. I glare at her in response. She opens her mouth to speak but is interrupted by a cell phone ringing.

With her free hand she pulls out her cell and begins to read the text message, "And the Oscar goes too..." She looks up at me, "Emily Fields." Her grip tightens again and I focus on the pain on my wrist slowly traveling up my arm, it's easier than having to look at her. "Is this a trick? How long have you been helping A? Maybe it would have all been easier if you had died instead of Allie."

It hurts. I know I deserve but it still hurts. And I'm angry that I don't even think twice before the words come out of my mouth. "Maybe I should have let you die." I try to project my anger behind those words but it comes out as a soft whisper after the lack of stimulation on my vocal cords. I know I shouldn't have said that but I'm tired of being pushed down. Kicked while I'm down.

"What?" Second time I leave her shocked today. I try to pull out of her grasp but she doesn't let me go, "No, you aren't leaving until you tell me what you meant by that."

I look everywhere but at Spencer. I face Hanna who seems torn about what to do. "Look at me and answer me... I can't believe we ever made the mistake of being friends with you."

"Maybe that was my first mistake, loving my friends and willing to do anything for them."

"With friends like you, who needs enemies?" She spits out and finally lets me go.

"Someone had to die that night Spence. What I didn't realize is that by saving you I condemned myself." I walk away quickly before she can say anything or hold me back.

* * *

I don't bother to go to class, I really don't want to see Spencer or anyone but I don't go home either. I really don't want to be greeted by my mother's question and overbearing presence. Not that I can blame her after what I did. Instead I spend most of my day by the pool until I hear familiar voices coming from the hall.

"Just make sure she is okay." I recognize her voice after so many years of hearing it.

"I am." And hers as well, considering our recent friendship.

"Really then why do her wrists say otherwise?" Are they talking about me? Why is Hanna talking to Mona about me?

"Hanna if I had known…" Her voice sounds filled with regret.

"I know Mona, I'm sorry. I'm just worried about her." She shouldn't be. I still don't understand how she can care about me after what I did.

"I know Hanna and you may have asked me to look out for her but she is also my friend." Shit, I was her pity friend. She was only there for me out of obligation.

There is a pause and for a moment I think they have noticed my presence but they continue, "How have you been?"

"Confused, I want to hate her but I can't. It's hard to forget all those years of friendship and her eyes… There is something that she isn't telling, that she is lying about and I want to ask her but… I'm afraid of her. I never thought I would be… I never thought that she would hurt me."

"I don't think she meant to…" She pauses again, "What about Caleb?"

"We're just friends… I think I just needed an excuse to break up with him. I- It was hard to let him touch me and not flinch."

I walk away feeling dreadful. Feeling overwhelmed with disappointment and anger. Consumed by guilt. So many emotions inside of me that I can't describe, all I know is that I want this pain to stop. She was only my friend because Hanna asked her. It feels like… I don't even know, and Hanna, she's afraid of me.

* * *

I feel this ache in my chest a desperation that I need to get out. The betrayal hurt. Was she ever my friend or was it just a pity thing? I head into the kitchen and grab a knife, hiding it in my bag I make my way upstairs and into the bathroom. I sit on the floor and lean against the wall. I roll up my sleeves and grab the knife. A vicious cycle of pain, I drag the knife across my skin focusing on the blood. This is the release I need. Were we ever really friends? What about Toby, was he sent by Hanna as well? Why would Hanna send them? I thought she hated me but her actions are confusing me. I drag the knife again watching the skin break, just like I feel, broken.

This is the only thing I can control.

* * *

A/N: xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: We'll learn more about Mona as for the self-harm, I did felt like everything went too quickly but I'm not done with it yet. Thank you! Santana4ever: Thanks, I'm glad you gave it a try. Silentreader: We'll see, she does have to tell someone but I'm not sure if that'll be Mona. shayrhin10: Didn't really have to spill anything… Or do I? Shayforever: Your comment made me laugh. Yes Spencer coming off as a real jerk but she saw the video and for many, rape has no justification, she's angry and trying to protect Hanna. literarylesbian37: We'll have to wait and see but thanks! Zimi: Thanks for reviewing. Guest: Thank you, I'm glad you think that highly of my fic. BrookeMartaaay: I'm glad you are thanks! Catlover10808: Thank you! Nastya Rey: Thank you! Rhasic: I'm glad you are thank you. Guest: Thanks! Paily: Thank you but if you think that this is the most interesting story then you are missing out. I'll take your suggestion into consideration but just to establish endgame is going to be Hanna/Emily. Guest: Thanks! I'm glad you think so, with sensitive subjects one needs to be careful. We'll start seeing more of Hanna. CrissyAvocado: Thanks I'm glad you gave my story a try. t: Maybe, we'll have to wait and see. Thanks to everyone who read, alerted, favorited and review.


	7. Numb

Disclaimer: If I did, I wouldn't be here. I also don't own the lyrics to Numb by The Airborne Toxic Event.

Warning: Mature content.

A/N: Thanks to my beta Sharpie Ninja.

* * *

I look at the drink in my hand, moving it in a circular motion as the liquid sloshes around in the cup.

I don't know where I am

I don't know what I've done

I just go over and over it again and again and again

I can't sleep at night

I can't breathe

But If I drink tonight I'll get you off my mind

I don't even know what this drink is but I don't care as long as it does its job and it's starting to work. Numbing the pain and fogging my brain.

And the ever present pit I feel

I'm turning on some spinning wheel

Of faces and the scenes I see

And none of it seems real to me

Just the bleary haze of the morning still to come

I've never been one that likes to drink but tonight I just need to forget. Forget her, forget everyone. Forget what I've done, what I've said. I don't want to keep replaying that night in my head for the rest of my life, while I'm awake or while I'm asleep. I don't want to think of all that I have lost because of who I felt I had to save. I drown the liquid in one gulp feeling it burn as it goes down my throat. That's how I feel, like I'm burning in sin. Drowning in my mistakes. Which is why I've chosen to drown my sorrows in alcohol. I wave at the bartender and motion for another drink.

I just want to be numb

* * *

I open the door stumbling into the room in a drunken haze.

"Emily, what are you doing here?" I look at the bag in her hand, was she leaving already, probably going home to her family. "Emily, are you drunk." I stare intently at her, why did I come here?

"Emily, I'm going to call your mother and have her pick you up?" She grabs her cell phone but I stop her, "Please don't." She stops and stares at me probably unsure that I was the one that spoke. I guess hearing me speak for the first time does it because she puts her phone away.

"So you do speak?" She says with a ghost of a smile on her lips.

Obviously I do, I have all the equipment. "Yes."

She stares at me her piercing gaze making me uncomfortable, like I'm being unmasked. "Why are you here?"

"I… I need to talk to you."

"Okay then, let's talk."She sits down behind her desk and takes out a paper and a pen. I look at her desk, very organized and the plant makes it seem homier.

"Has that plant always been there?"

"Emily, please focus." She sighs as she puts her pen down. We stare awkwardly at each other for a few seconds.

"This is a mistake, I should probably go." I try to stand up but I am overcome with dizziness and immediately sit down again.

"You're obviously in no condition to leave, why don't you tell me why you're drunk?"

Why am I drunk? I hate the taste of alcohol but it does make me feel good, and that's something I haven't felt in a long time. "I do."

"What?" She asks, obviously not understanding me.

"I do want to be happy." I clarify for her.

"That's good Emily, can I ask what's making you unhappy?" She asks softly.

A. An unknown person that seems to have more control over my life than I do. But I don't think I could explain A to her if I tried, especially if I'm drunk. "Myself." My answer's not completely off. A may have given the orders but I pulled the trigger.

"Why?"

Because I raped my best friend, because I'm alone. "Because I hurt my friends."

"Did you do it on purpose?"I look up to meet her curious gaze. I never wanted to hurt her, but I did and I made that decision alone.

"Yes." If she's shocked by my decision she doesn't let it show.

"Do you regret it?"

Every single fucking day and night, it's the one thing that never leaves my mind. "Sometimes... sometimes I wish it could have been different." I go over different scenarios, many 'what ifs'. But in the end I know I only had two choices. Either way, I was screwed. I don't even know who I am anymore. I never thought I would become a rapist, that I would hurt my friend. I guess no one ever really knows what they are capable off.

* * *

I wake up with a pounding headache. "I am never drinking again."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that."

"Yeah, th-," I sit up quickly in the couch ignoring the wave of dizziness. I look at the source of the voice. "Dr. Sullivan?" She nods in confirmation. "What… how did I end up here?"

"Well I hope in a taxi or walking."

"I…" I try to recall last night's event but come up with a blank.

"I called your mom and told her I would take you home once you woke up." I stare at her blankly trying to process the situation.

"My mom is going to kill me." I groan in frustration.

"Maybe not, come on."

She motions for us to go. The drive to my house is very short and she accompanies me all the way in.

"Emily! What were you thinking? Do you know how worried sick I was about you? I called all the hospitals and all of your friends. Then Dr. Sullivan calls me to tell me that you are in her office, drunk!"

I look down ashamed at my actions and embarrassed that Dr. Sullivan has to witness this.

"I'm sorry mom." I say honestly. I've put her through so much lately just because I can't deal with my problems.

"You're sorry- wait you're sorry?" She starts off angry but ends up shocked.

I take a deep breath, "Yes mom, I'm sorry for all that I've put you through and how I've been acting. I know I haven't been a good daughter lately and you probably have a lot of questions that I can't answer right now but I'm trying to get to a better place."

"You're speaking?"

"Yes."

"Thank goodness." She smiles as she hugs me tightly.

I tense for a second but then relax into the embrace, enjoying the comfort and security brought by a mother's hug. Reminiscing of a time when I could talk to her about my problems and she always seem to have the solution.

"I'm just glad you're okay."

* * *

My mom wasn't as mad as I expected her to be, probably because I started talking not only to her but Dr. Sullivan. I tried to act a bit happier around her, or at least less gloomy and thankfully up to now she hasn't pushed me for answers.

"Hey, how are you?" She asks casually from the doorway as I try to shake off the feeling of déjà vu. I ignore her and continue to read my textbook or at least pretend to while ignoring her.

"I'm glad you're okay." Her voice sounds honest that it almost makes me forget that I'm mad at her.

"You're mom said you were talking." She pauses probably expecting me to speak. She sighs, "Are you mad at me?" I put my book down and glare at her, the sting of betrayal still very present in me.

"Fine if you're not going to speak then I'll just come back later."

"In a hurry to go and report to Hanna?" I say before she can leave.

"What-"

I cut her off before she can get a word in, "Don't you even dare play dumb with me!" I raise my voice and stand up.

"I… how did you find out?" At least she is not trying to hide it but I can tell she's nervous.

"Next time you decided to have a club meeting make sure it's not in the school hallway were just right about anyone can hear." I spit out.

"Emily it's not how it seems, please don't get mad." She pleads desperately.

"Mad? I'm furious okay! I'm upset that my life is a mess right now and I trusted you, you were my friend and it turns out that you only approached me because Hanna asked you. I feel betrayed."

"Emily please listen to me-" She starts to plead desperately but I cut her off.

"Why should I?"

She stares at me hopelessly, "Give me the opportunity your friends didn't give you?"

I flinch. It's a low blow but it works and I sit down, still glaring at her but listening nonetheless.

"Hanna knew that everyone else was going to shun you but regardless of what you did she still cares about you." I feel my heart skip a beat at the thought that she still cares. "She asked me to keep an eye on you. I've always liked you Emily," I give her a questioning glance and she quickly clarifies, "As a friend but Hanna asking me, gave me an excuse to approach you. I know it might not seem sincere now but I offered you my honest friendship and as long as you still want it I hope we can continue to be friends."

I stare at her trying to process everything, I get the feeling she is being honest but I still feel hurt. "I don't know." Her expression turns into a frown and I feel guilty knowing that I caused it, "But if this friendship does continue you need to stop reporting to Hanna."

"Okay."

* * *

"I'm still pissed at you but I don't want you dead."

I thought that after last time she would never step a foot into my house again. I don't answer, I wait patiently for the rest of her speech.

"We've been friends for so long but lately I don't even know who you are anymore."

That makes two of us. I don't even know how I am anymore. If just a few months ago someone would have told me that Toby and Mona would have become my closest friends at some point and that I would rape my best friend I would have laughed in their faces.

"You attempt suicide and then you're mom calls me worried sick about you." She speaks slowly as if carefully considering every word and I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or maybe she is just waiting for me to react.

"Is there a point to all of this?" I ask her in a monotone voice, I don't have the energy to talk in circles with her today.

"I need to know what's going on Em, why did you do it?"

"Which part, the rape or the attempted suicide?" I ask her coldly.

She flinches at my harsh tone but today I feel numb and tired and I can't pull the strength to care about hurting her feelings. It almost feels painfully good to see others hurt instead of me. Almost.

"Both."

"Let's just say that one wasn't an option but the other was."

"What-" Before she can ask more questions. The sound of various cell phones beeping fills the room.

_Emily, we have a deal, don't break it, I would hate to break one of your friends' necks._

I look up to see Aria's worried expression. I get up quickly, making my way over to the bathroom and locking the door behind me. Fuck A and this fucked up world. I'm stuck in this nightmare and my only way out is into another nightmare. A life of terror around every corner. Every human interaction now is emotionally draining. I grab the razor and sit against the wall. I roll my sleeves up and drag it harshly against my skin watching the blood flow out. I need to feel the pressure, the sting, the pain. I don't wait for the blood to stop or inspect the damage instead I continue making several cuts ruthlessly down my arm. My arm feels raw and sensitive by the time I stop but it doesn't hurt. I stare at the several bleeding cuts.

The pounding on the door brings me back, "Emily!" This voice sounds raspy and I know it's not Aria's.

"Emily, please open the door!" The doorknob shakes and the pounding continues, was she here all along?

"You don't think she is trying to kill herself do you?" Aria's asks, obviously worried.

"I don't know," Spencer hesitant voice answers, "I mean she did try to once."

"Should we call her mom?" Please don't, she thinks I'm getting better and it's better for her to think that.

"No… do you have a pin?"

"Yeah but I don't think-" The doorknob jiggles for a few seconds and it finally opens.

"Emily!" I turn to assess Spencer and Aria's shocked faces staring at my bloody mess. Spencer quickly steps into doctor mode, retrieving a first aid kit from a cabinet and working quickly on my arm. I look at Aria's face, eyes wide and pale as a ghost. I lean my head back against the well. For someone who says they want to be happy, I'm doing a pretty crappy job of showing it. I need to decide if I want to stand up to A or if I want to live in fear for the rest of my life.

"I want the truth Emily and I want it now." I look at her determined eyes but I can tell she's scared and worried. She gives me her cell phone showing me the last two messages from an unknown number.

_It's too easy turning you against each other. -A_

_Maybe this time I'll kidnap Hanna and Emily and make you rape Aria. Or maybe you can help me kill Emily, I hear you want her dead. –A_

A is fucking taunting us. Pushing Spencer towards me for answers while forcing me to withhold the truth from her, from everyone. This is all just a sick sadistic game and I don't want to play anymore.

"Okay, I think it's time I told you the truth."

* * *

PassionIsKey: Thanks! Guest: Thanks! xxx-Over-the-Storm-xxx: Thanks, I am considering it but I'm still indecisive about doing other's pov's and how it'll fit in. Feedmeadeadmau5: Thank you, I'm glad to see you're enjoying it. TaylorAdams: Me too, damn my laziness but I'll work on it. Guest: There is always hope. silentreader: You're review made me think that you were high on skittles while you wrote it. Zimi: They will, eventually. catlover10808: I'll keep that in mind but I'm not sure if it'll fit in. liberal4peace: Yes it's all coming down soon. Guest: Thanks. CrissyAvocado: It'll happen and hopefully soon but I'm glad you're still reading. Jess Jr: Thank you, I never would've thought my story could cause such reactions. Deana Ray: She will get a chance and I plan for a future romance at some point. T: Thanks! FactsofLifeFreak: Sorry update took long but yes they will. Guest: Thanks and sorry for the long update.

Thanks to everyone who read, reviewed, alerted and favorite.


	8. Trust

Disclaimer: If I did, I wouldn't be here.

Warning: Mature content.

A/N: This chapter wasn't reviewed by my beta so please forgive as all mistakes are mine and I have no one else to blame. Sorry for the long wait.

* * *

We make our way over to my bedroom. Spencer and Aria sit on my bed and I make my way over to the window seat.

"I…" Should I tell them? I want to but what if A tries to hurt them again. But then again what's to say A won't try to hurt them either way. I look at Aria's still pale but determined face. Spencer on the other hand looks scared and I can only assume that she is scared of what I'll say, of how things could change.

"I got a video request from A that day. I- he, I think it was a he, had you and Caleb unconscious and tied to chairs." I take a deep breath as I try to keep my emotions in check, I don't want to remember. I just want to forget but I don't think I ever will. I feel my heart beating rapidly in my chest, this conversation can change everything.

"I wish I had had another choice Spencer but when A put that knife on your neck I knew I couldn't let you or Caleb die. So A gave me an ultimatum and I made a choice, to rape Hanna." I look at Aria's wide eyes, mouth agape and obviously shocked, she knew what I had done but not why. Spencer's face is filled with guilt, her shoulders sagging, eyes brim with tears. She looks defeated but she needs to know.

"How… how do I know you aren't lying?" Spencer asks the tone of her voice soft, no longer accusing but of someone who is afraid.

"Spencer!" Aria scolds her, quick to defend me. She knows I'm not lying, she's always has been good at reading people.

"It's okay Aria." I smile sadly at her. "I can't prove my innocence but you've known me for so long and you know I would go to great lengths to protect my friends."

"I…" She opens and closes her mouth as if trying to find the right words but even with her extensive vocabulary she is speechless and all she can manage to do is frown.

"What happened that day?" I ask her. She stays quiet and after a moment of silence Aria answers for her.

"Caleb and Spencer had and AV club meeting at school, they said that they don't remember what or how it happened but after A showed them the video and left, I got a text with the address to an abandoned warehouse to untie them."

"I'm sorry." Spencer's voice is raspier than usual and she looks torn, this time the tears leave her eyes. Despite all that she did and how much it hurt, I never blamed her.

"It's okay." I whisper softly.

"No, it's not. I should have trusted you!" She stands up angry at herself. "I should have known that something didn't feel right about this, I should have tried to find out what happened!" She pauses for a second, calming down. "But I didn't. Instead I attacked, I harassed you, I hurt you... I was a complete bitch."

"It's okay Spencer." I try to reassure her but I know it's useless when she has set her mind on an idea.

"It's not but I will make it up to you." Her features soften and I know I finally have my friend back. "But Hanna needs to know."

"No." I don't want her to know yet. I know she'll forgive me easily but I don't want her forgiveness, I don't deserve it. Regardless of the circumstances, I hurt her.

"Emily." Spencer and Aria both protest at the same time.

"She has the right to know." Spencer says.

"And it's important that she knows so we can keep her safe." Aria adds.

As much as I hate to admit it, they are right. I hate the thought that A could hurt her. "Fine, I'll tell her. But we do need to come up with a plan to keep everyone safe, make sure no one goes out alone."

"Okay… but there is something else we need to talk about?" Spencer says in a serious tone.

"What?"

"What… what was that in the bathroom?" She asks with trepidation.

"Oh." I feel my stomach drop and throat constrict. I didn't want them to see me that way. That is my form of dealing and I know they won't understand. Spencer seems to snap out of her bubble of self-pity and the fierceness returns in that instant. "We're going to help you okay?" She sits next to me and grabs my hand gently.

I pull my hand out of her grasp before she can respond. "I don't need your help." I growl out.

"Em-" Looking startled she starts to protest but I cut her off.

"No, I don't need your help with this okay. I've been just fine these last few months without you, without anyone."

"Fine?" She asks sarcastically. "Is that why you ended up in the hospital because of a suicide attempt, missing for a whole night and now you obviously have a self harm problem. You are anything but fine."

"No thanks to you." I retaliate quickly not wanting to talk about this.

She flinches and she looks away, ashamed. I take a deep breath, trying to relax this is not how I imagine this encounter to go. A has broken us up and damaged our friendship but now we need to be united, to trust each other.

"I'm sorry-" I start apologizing.

"No, don't. I deserve that and more. But you need to see that what you are doing isn't healthy and whether you want to or not I'm going to help you."

"We are going to help you." Aria emphasizes the we. "Now we need to be more united than ever if we are going to stop A." The sound of three cell phones beeping grabs our attention. We glance at each other before taking out our cells and reading the messages.

_We'll see who stops who. You better watch your backs. -A_

* * *

"Hey, can I talk to you?" Blues eyes meet mine as I patiently wait for an answer.

"Of course you know you can always talk to me." He replies with a hint of a smile on his lip. "Come sit." He motions to the seat next to him on the bench.

"I'm sorry for ignoring you the other day."

"Well you weren't completely ignoring me, you just weren't responding to any of my questions." His tone is light and playful, holding no resentment

"Yes and I'm sorry for that." I look down ashamed. I treated Toby poorly when he has been nothing but sweet to me since the beginning.

"Don't worry about it." He puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me in for a hug. I take a minute to enjoy the feeling of safety he provides.

"We need to talk." I say seriously.

"I thought we already were." He smiles at me.

"About A." His smile drops.

"Oh, is everything okay?" His face becomes serious as he removes his arm from my shoulder and stares at me.

"Yes. No. No, it's not. We need to be more careful, A is threatening to hurt us."

"Don't worry I won't let A lay a finger on you."

"It's not just me, its Spencer, Aria, Hanna, Caleb, and probably even Mona. You."

"What are you talking about?"

"Toby I raped Hanna because he threaten to kill Spencer and Caleb. He kidnapped them and I had to."

"What?" He asks shocked. "If I ever get my hands on that bastard's neck I'm going to kill him."

* * *

(Hanna's POV)

It's difficult dealing with being hurt by someone. It's even more difficult when that someone is a loved one. It's not only dealing with the pain and betrayal but also with adjusting your image of that person. The trust is no longer there and you question every feeling and every interaction you had with them. It's worse when you find yourself still caring about that person. Torn between wanting to hate them and not wanting to love them. As much as I tried to hate her, I couldn't. I could only hate what she did. Her face is carved in my mind and that night she looked afraid, reluctant, regretful. For the longest time I was shocked more than anything. Disbelief, it had to have been a nightmare. Was it my fault? Did I mislead her? Then came the pain, I never thought she would hurt me in such a way. I don't think anyone did. I don't think anyone ever expects that from their best friend.

But as the days went by I notice that I wasn't the only one in pain. The guilt in her face. Her resistance to fight back to Caleb or Spencer. She acted like she deserved to be punished. Like she wanted to be hurt. And she was alone. I didn't say anything but they all shunned her. I worried that she would do something stupid so I sent Mona to look out for her.

I knew what happened. But I couldn't bring myself to call it, to use that word. It's an atrocious word, dehumanizing. It's the word to describe the horrific action of a monster. And Emily isn't that. I could never see her like that. Especially when I know her sweet and caring side. She may not have stood up to Allison but she always defended me at school. In the hallways. During P.E., when I would become the favorite target during dodge ball.

I've always have had a soft spot for Emily. After Ally's death we became even closer. But before that, she made me feel important when Ally would make me feel like shit. She made feel like I mattered.

"_What do you think you are wearing?"_

"_It's a new shirt, do you like it?" I was always looking for Allison's acceptance even though she already called herself my friend._

"_It's horrific .Go change, I don't want to be seen next to you while you are wearing that." She spits out and I try to hide my disappointment as she walks out of the room._

"_I think it's a cute top Hanna and you look great in it." Emily replies with a shy smile._

It was those little things that kept me from completely breaking. That made me feel like a human being.

* * *

I walk to her house hoping that it will calm my nerves a bit. It's been a while since I've seen her and a long time since I've had a conversation with her. Yet I'm always thinking about her, missing her. Her contagious smile that makes you feel special like it is only for you. As I reach her house I see her standing outside by her mailbox while texting on her phone. I take a moment to just observe her. She must have felt my gaze because she looks up and stares right back. I feel the butterflies in my stomach as I try to find the will to either talk to her or walk over to her. Her gaze eventually falls to my sleeves and I unconsciously pull the sleeves of my sweeter. I finally find the courage and make my way up to her.

"Hey." It comes out as a whisper as I stare at the ground.

"Hey." She says gently.

"I… I was wondering if we could talk." I ask finally looking at her.

She smiles for a second but then frowns, "Right now?"

I frown thinking that maybe she doesn't want to see me or be alone with me, not that I could blame her.

"It's just that Caleb is coming over." She says quickly.

"Oh, okay." I turn around to leave when I feel her hand gently grab mine. I fight the urge not to flinch but also not to enjoy the warmth of her hand.

"He can wait, you want to come inside and talk?" She asks softly.

"Ok-" I'm cut off by the sound wheels screeching. I turn toward the sound to see a black SUV heading towards us. Feeling my heart beat rapidly and my body run cold I quickly grab Hanna by the waste and manage to throw ourselves out of harm's way. I angle my body so that I take the fall and Hanna lands softly on top of me.

"What the fuck?" I hear Hanna say as I stare at the retreating vehicle while desperately and unsuccessfully trying to make out the license plate. Her cell phone beeps which she manage to hold on to.

_This was just a warning. You better watch your back bitches. –A_

She reads it aloud before looking back at me. "Are you okay?" I ask her looking at her pale face.

"Uh, yeah," She lets out in a shaky voice, "You save my life. Thank you. Are you ok-" Her question gets cut off as she is lifted from my body suddenly. All I catch is a wave of brown her before I'm lifted by the collar of my shirt. I grimace as I feel the shirt press into my left shoulder stinging, I must have hurt it when I fell.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Caleb asks me angrily and I already know that this is not going to end well.

"Caleb I can ex-" I try desperately to calm him down.

"Explain what? That you are a sick pervert." And for the second time since I met Caleb his fist connects with my face.

I fall back holding my hand over my face in pain. "Fuck" I mutter.

"What the hell Caleb?" Hanna asks him and then she does something neither Caleb or I were expecting, she slaps him.

He holds his hand over his cheek in shock. "But but I-" He stutters.

"If you are going to act like a Neanderthal instead of a hole sapien then just leave because I don't want to be around you." Even with the pain on my face and shoulder I manage to smile at Hanna's comment.

"Hanna I think you meant homo sapien." I correct her.

"Are you calling him gay?" She looks at me while quirking an eyebrow.

"You know what, whatever if you want to get hurt who am I to stop you." He turns around as he starts to walk away.

Panic arises in me when I release that he is leaving alone when A is out there. After we almost got ran over and he has been kidnapped once. "Don't let him leave."

"But…" She is about to protest but stops when she hears the desperation in my voice.

"Please Hanna…"

"Fine." She grumbles. "Caleb!" She screams after him as he stops.

"What?" He asks in an irritated voice.

"Don't leave."

"Hanna you're the one that doesn't want me around."

"Caleb just get inside the house. Please." With a scowl on his face he trudges back.

"Fine whatever." He glares at me before going in. I watch his retreating figure until he slams the door.

"Why?" She asks me.

I stare at her confused for a second, "Why? Why to what exactly?"

Her blue eyes that usually bring me peace make me feel. "Why did you ask Caleb to stay? Why did you save me from that Car? Why did you try to kill yourself? Why did you do it?"

"I… I think we should go inside to talk about this. Caleb needs to hear this as well. Besides we don't if A will return with an 18 wheeler."

She nods in agreement before extending her arm to help me up. "Thanks." I tell her as I take her hand and stand up. I let out a hiss of pain as I feel the fabric of my shirt press against my shoulder. I move my shirt a bit gently inspecting it and noticing a scrape, it's not that bad. I look back up at her concerned eyes. She moves her hand to my face which I can already feel swelling. I lean in to her touch for a second.

"Come on, let's go get you an icepack for that." She grabs my hand as she leads me inside.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the long update, life has been very busy. I only hope next chapter doesn't take that long. Thanks again to everyone who reviewed, alerted, favorite and read. t: I'm glad you thought so. Guest: Thanks! TaylorAdams: Thanks and I'm sorry about that, that's why I have a warning because I don't want to offend anyone. Catlover10808: Me too but without A this plot wouldn't workout. Rsbchamp2: Have to read to find out. liberal4peace: I'm glad it did. Santana4ever: Thanks! silentreader: I thought it would be confusing I probably should have fixed that. Zimi: Truth yes, happiness not yet. Guest: Well I'm glad it made your day better and thanks! xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: Thanks. everydaydreamer: I'm glad you gave my story a try and that you are enjoying it. Thank you! NotThatGrrl: Thanks! I'm glad you like their friendship. Pll: Thanks! That-one-girl: Thanks and don't worry more chapters are coming. abbyish: Thank you, I kind of felt they were a bit oc and will do. Guest: Uh yes this is a Hanna/Emily fanfic if that's what you meant. ScarletSky7: Thank you! JudyGmz: Thanks and I hope you keep on reading. Pretty little fiction321: Don't worry there will be more chapters. DatOneChick: I know and I'm sorry!


	9. Unbelievable

Disclaimer: If I did, I wouldn't be here.

Warning: Mature content.

A/N: I apologize beforehand, all mistakes are mine.

* * *

"Take off your shirt." She tells me as she opens a first aid kit while I sit in the bathroom.

"What? Why?"

"So I can clean the scrape on your shoulder." She says like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"It's fine." I say too quickly.

She gives me a look of disbelief, "Emily your shirt is stain, don't be difficult."

I really can't take off my shirt. I don't want her to see my arms. "I'll clean it when I get home."

She gives me that stare that says that it isn't up for discussion and I know that I will have to compromise if I ever want to leave this bathroom. "Fine." I mutter as I pull my shirt from the top only exposing my shoulder.

"Really?" She glances at my shoulder and this time I reply with a shrug trying to tell her this is all she'll get. Finally with a sigh she starts to clean the wound, bandage it.

"There." She says with a hint of pride in her voice. Her gaze wonders to my face as a frown appears on her. She touches my face softly and my first reaction is to flinch not because of the pain but because of her touch. I close my eyes feeling the warmth of her fingertips. I find myself conflicted, feeling without the right to enjoy her touch. Her touch, which now has been tainted by my actions. I feel the nervousness in my stomach as I pull away. "We should probably go before Caleb storms in here and hits me again."

She pulls her hand away, realizing what has happened. "Uh, yeah." She gets an icepack from the first aid kit and hands it to me. "Here"

"Thanks." I tell her as I put the ice pack on my face as we make our way to the living room. I notice Caleb sitting on a chair, arms crossed and scowl on his face.

"So you wanted to talk to us." Hanna says as she sits next to me on the couch.

"Yes, I need to tell you about that night." I get straight to the point as I place the icepack on the coffee table. The quicker I get this over with, the better. "I need you to know why I did what I did." I look at Hanna, who visibly tenses and moves farther away from me. I ignore the hurt that comes from that action, I need to focus.

"Hanna, if I knew I had another option I would have taken it in a heartbeat, but A kidnapped Spencer and Caleb and threaten to kill them unless I…"

"Unbelievable!" Caleb screams as he stands up. "If you think we are going to fall for your stupid lies then you are wrong. You are probably teamed up with A trying to get our trust to stab us in the back again like the Bitch you are!" He says all of this while pointing a finger at me. Hanna on the other hand is quiet and her expression unreadable.

"Caleb, I'm not… Look I know I'm not innocent and what I did was horrible but I'm not telling you this for sympathy or forgiveness. I'm telling you this so you can watch your back."

"From who, you?!" He screams again.

"No from A." I try to reply calmly but I have a feeling it's a futile attempt. "From the person who kidnapped you, threaten to kill you, from the person that just tried to run us over."

"Maybe it's you, you're like a disease. Infecting everything around you, trying to kill us all." He finally stops screaming but his voice is laced with anger. He glares at me for a second before leaving and slamming the door. I find myself in an ambivalent state, worried for his well being but grateful that he didn't punch me again. I should have expected this from Caleb.

"It was hard to look at you after what you- after what happened." Hanna's voice snaps me back to reality and I turn to look at her. "But I always held to some belief that you were innocent or that I imagined it." I listen intently knowing that she isn't done yet. "I didn't want it to be real. Once I stopped denying that it happened I wanted to believe that there had to be a reason behind it, maybe it was my fault, maybe I give her a signal or maybe god was punishing me. But if god was punishing me, why did you look like you were suffering as well. Then I thought maybe A did this, maybe he she threatened to reveal your secrets but I refuse to believe that. Emily Fields would rather have her deepest and darkest regrets revealed before ever hurting her friends." She looks at me her piercing blue eyes looking sorrowful. "And I was right, you didn't mean to hurt me…"

"But I did." I reply seeing the pain in her eyes, pain that I caused. Pain that I wish I could take away but I don't know how.

"Yes and for so long I tortured myself and you never told me why you did it. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

I feel the guilt settle in my chest. "A threaten-" I start of feeling like I'm giving off a lame excuse but she cuts me off.

"But you have told me now." Silence consumes us for a moment. "Why are you telling me now?"

"I can't risk something happening to you, or the others."

"You should have told me. You could have at least lessened the pain that came afterwards. I wouldn't have tortured myself for days on end on why you did it. I deserved to know!" She almost yells the last part, clearly upset.

My shoulders sag in defeat as I realize that I have managed to hurt her again. "You did. And it was selfish of me. But just answer me this one question. Do you forgive me for what I did?"

"Yes." She speaks in low voice that I almost doubt I didn't here it.

"That's exactly why I didn't want to tell you. I don't want your forgiveness. I don't deserve it. Regardless of the reason, what I did it's… an abomination."

We stare at each other until she finally breaks away her gaze from me. "I… I think I need to be alone right now."

"Okay." I don't object knowing that she probably needs time to process all of this. I stand up and make my way to the door.

"Emily." Her voice stops me.

"Yeah?"

"Be careful." I nod and give her a small smile before walking out. Regardless of the day I have had I feel joy as one thought goes through my head, she still cares.

* * *

It's been almost a week since I told Hanna and I haven't really seen her or Caleb. Thankfully Spencer and Aria have been keeping an eye on them while I on Mona. Taking advantage that the swimming pool is empty, I go for a swim to try to relax and enjoy the serenity I feel as I drown out the rest of the world. Finally I get out and make my way to my car, appreciating the silence of an empty school.

Before I can make it out of school I feel hand cover my mouth and all I catch is the sight of a black sleeve before panic sets in. A is going to kidnap me. All the sounds drown out and all I can feel is my heart thumping against my chest as I struggle to break free. I thrash against my captors body unsuccessfully as his strong body drags me into a closet.

"Will you stop?" The person whispers loudly in a gruff voice. "I'm not going to hurt you." It takes me a second to realize that I know the owner of the voice. "Now listen I'm going to let you go but you need to relax and speak softly I don't want anyone hearing us, am I clear."

I nod as he releases me. I turn around quickly, recognizing those brown eyes and long brown hair. "Caleb?" I ask incredulously. "What the hell do you think you are doing?" I try to keep my voice low. I notice that he is wearing a black hoodie.

Noticing the fear on my face he tries to explain. "It's not what it looks like. I already told you I'm not going to hurt you."

Relaxing a bit I reply, "Okay, explain."

"After I left Hanna's house I got a text. Here." He passes me his phone showing me a text.

_Want to get revenge on Emily? I can help you with that, that is if you are willing to join my team. -A _

"This is when I knew that you weren't lying otherwise A wouldn't have offered me a chance to get back at you. So I said yes. If I can find out who A is them maybe we can bring this person down."

"Caleb, this is very dangerous..."

"I know but it's worth it. I just wanted to warn you that I'll be acting more of an asshole than before just for the sake of appearances. A will be watching me closely." He looks at the door as if expecting someone to burst in any second, "Look, I know I should apologize but if I did it would be half-assed and not fully meant. I'm hoping this will get rid of any sliver of doubts."

"Okay."

"Okay, if I have any news I'll contact you. Don't tell the others, we don't want A to find out." And just like that he's gone.

* * *

A/N: Thanks to everyone who read, alerted, reviewed and favorited. northernleo: Thanks I'm glad you're enjoying it, hope this chapter didn't disappoint. NotThatGrrl: Thanks, hope you enjoyed it. CJ: We'll have to wait and see about that. Sktrg31: Thanks. Guest: We'll get there, it won't be easy but yes. xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: Thanks! Guest: Thanks.


	10. Damn it

Disclaimer: If I did, I wouldn't be here.

Warning: Mature content.

A/N: All mistakes are mine.

* * *

Hanna has still been avoiding me and Caleb is still treating me the same as before, the only difference is that I see guilt in his eyes whenever he is harassing me. I have no problem with this act; the problem is keeping Spencer away from him. Now that she knows the truth, she's become sort of my guard dog which has become annoying when I want to or need to be alone. I feel my phone vibrate alerting me of a message.

_Hanna: We need to talk._

_Emily: Okay, when?_

_Hanna: Today, afterschool, your house._

_Emily: Okay._

I feel nervous, her texts were very short and I don't know if she is still mad at me. Regardless of how she feels toward me, I have a feeling this conversation will be awkward. But I'm glad that I'll be able to see her and talk to her again. I get home quickly to clean up my room and sit on my bed waiting anxiously for her.

"Hey." She says as she leans against the door frame.

"Hey." I reply as I take a moment to admire her. She really is beautiful both inside and out.

"Listen," she starts off as she makes her way into the room and sits next to me, "I'm sorry for avoiding you."

"Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry for." I tell her sincerely, I am the one who hurt her.

"Yes I do, I avoided you but not because I'm mad." I see hesitation cross her face before she grabs my hand. "I've… I've just been trying to sort my thoughts, to sort my feelings." She stares at me and I can see the struggle in her eyes. She starts to lean into me and I feel y breath hitch and my heart rate pick up as I stare at her lips.

"Emily." I jump up and let go of her hand as Caleb rushes into the room looking flustered.

"Caleb! What the hell are you doing here?" Hanna asks annoyed. I blush at the thought of what almost happen but then the guilt sets in, I shouldn't kiss her. Not after what I did to her. Any attraction I have for her I need to get rid of now, before I hurt her again.

"Not now, Hanna." He gives us a suspicious look before moving on, "Emily I have some news. I know who A is, but you are not going to like this."

"Who?" I ask quickly, I need to know who has been torturing this whole time.

He hesitates for a second before responding, "Toby."

"What? No, you must be mistaken. Toby would never betray me like that." I say in disbelief. I look at Hanna's shocked face.

"Emily, I'm sorry." He says gently.

I sit down on my bed as I try to process this. Betrayed and hurt. Is this how Hanna felt? When someone you love stabs you in the back. Toby, one of my best friends and Spencer's boyfriend.

"Spencer!" I stand up quickly.

"I know Em. How are we going to tell her that her boyfriend has been our tormentor?" Hanna replies sullenly.

"No! Spencer, she's with Toby right now. She said they were going to go have a picnic at the woods. What if he hurts her? We have to go find her."

I grab my phone and my jacket as we all head out, "Hanna try calling her."

Hanna takes out her phone as she dials. "She's not answering."

I drive their as fast as I can and even though it's not that far the drive feels eternal. As we near the forest I notice the smoke that consumes the sky above and the burning red trees.

"Oh my god." I faintly hear Hanna whisper. "That's Toby's truck." Hanna points of to the side. I park next to his truck as I get out of my car and I stare at the red consuming the green.

"Spencer!" I yell out as I make my way around the burning trees. She has to be okay, I keep telling myself.

"Emily wait this is dangerous." Caleb says as he grabs my arm.

I pull my hand out of his grasp, "Yes, but my friend is out there and I'm going to find her." I reply harshly as I continue. I hear him sigh in defeat as he and Hanna join me in calling out for her. We make our way around until eventually we are push out near the river.

"Spencer!" I yell out, feeling my voice hoarse.

"Emily, we need to go back or this smoke is going to suffocate us."

"No not yet." I say desperately. Because I trusted Toby, my friends did. If something happens to her it will be my entire fault.

"It's not your fault Em." Hanna says as if reading my thoughts.

"Emily!" I hear from afar and look at Hanna in surprise, "Did you hear that?" We run up the river shouting out for her until we finally find her cover in dirt but physically fine. We crash our bodies into her, holding her tightly.

"Maybe we should continue this reunion elsewhere. You know where there isn't a forest burning right next to us." Caleb breaks the moment.

"Come on let's go." I say as I put my arm around Spencer's and grab Hanna's hand, ignoring the fact that she flinched.

"No we have to find Toby." Spencer says with desperation in her voice.

"Spencer…" I stop and debate telling her that Toby is A but decide against. Right now is not the time or the place for that conversation. "There really is nothing we can do now without getting ourselves killed." I sigh dejectedly knowing we won't be able to get Spencer out of here without a fight. I give a Caleb a look and he nods in response.

"No we have to-" She stops midsentence when Caleb picks her up and puts her over his shoulder.

"Okay let's get out of here." He huffs out with a smile.

"Put me down pretty boy!" Spencer screams as she trashes and slams her fist against his back. "Toby!" She screams out loud.

It takes a bit longer but we finally get back and thankfully we manage to leave before the firefighters or police arrive. I try to ignore Spencer's sobs from the backseat. The happiness I feel knowing that Spencer is okay is overshadowed with guilt of leaving Toby behind, the thought that he might be dead. We finally arrive at my house and we all go in without any resistance from Spencer.

"How could you leave him behind?!" She shouts at us as soon as the door closes.

"Spence…"

"No! He was your friend, he saved my life and you just left him there to die."

"What are you talking about?"

"We got attacked by someone, I think it might have been A. During the struggle the campfire got out of hand and when the trees started to burn he told me to run."

I stay quiet as I try to process this. If A attacked them, then is A composed of a bigger team.

"Spencer-" Caleb starts speaking probably to tell her what she knows.

"No. If he dies, you are all at fault." She glares at us.

"Shut up Spencer! If he dies he deserves it." Hanna yells at her, and Caleb and I stare at Hanna in disbelief. She looks angry but I can tell there is more to it. She's breaking.

"How dare you?!" Spencer yells indignantly. She throws herself at Hanna but I grab her around the waist barely managing to hold her back.

"This is all his fault, he is A or at least he is with A. Because of him this is all fucked up."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"He's A, Caleb saw him."

"What? No you're lying."

Noticing that Spencer is finally calm I let her go as she sits on the couch holding her head with both hands in deep thought. "Are you sure it was him?" I ask Caleb with a slimmer of hope that he is innocent. But if he is innocent and I turned my back on him that will be another mistake I'll have to carry around with me.

"Yes, we were supposed to meet at a diner outside of Rosewood but I never went inside. I waited until he finally came out and I recognized him as he got into his truck. He was wearing a black hoodie." He makes a confused look.

"What is it?" I ask him.

"It's just that on my way back someone was tailing me, and I know it couldn't have been him, especially if he left with Spencer."

"How many people are in this fucking team?!" Hanna sighs exasperatedly. The sound of Spencer turning on the television diverts our attention.

"_The fire is finally out and according to the authorities the body of a young man has been discovered. The identity is still unknown and the authorities are still investigating the cause but if you have any information, please call 555-1357."_

Spencer begins crying again at the possibility that her lover is dead but we don't say anything or touch her. I don't think she wants any comfort from us right now. The silence is interrupted by the sound of our phones beeping.

_Don't worry, you haven't gotten rid of me that easily. –A_

* * *

After Caleb left, I called Aria to explain the situation and drop off Spencer with her. I really don't want her to be alone, but I know she doesn't want us around. I scratch at my arms from above my sleeve. I feel that familiar itch beginning, the one that forms from desperation and anxiety. Everything is happening to quick, I have no control over what's happening and I'm just as clueless as before. Noticing Hanna's concerned look I try to focus on driving instead. I finally drop her off and with a short goodbye I leave. Not even five minutes after I left, I get a text.

_Hanna: SOS_

Thinking that it must be A related a rush back to her house. I knock on the door fervently and when no one answers I go around through the back door.

"What do you mean you've been dating? This does not look like dating." I stop at the sound of Mrs. Marin's voice leaning against the wall to hear without being seen. "This looks like she forced herself on you, Hanna." Panic arises in me when I realize that they are they talking about that night. If Mrs. Marin saw the video she will send me straight to jail, and I would deserve it.

"Mom it's… it's… role-play." Hanna replies hesitantly.

"What?" Mrs. Marin asks in disbelief.

"Yes, it was my idea." This time she replies without doubt but timidly. I realize that Hanna is lying for me. She is telling her that we are together.

"How long has this been going on?" Her mom asks but there is no trace of disgust in her voice only curiosity.

"Since I broke up with Caleb." She says firmly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Her tone isn't accusing but sad.

"I was afraid," Hanna replies with sorrow, "I mean Pam didn't exactly take it that well when Emily came out to her." I feel hurt just remembering how things were when I first came out to my parents, thankfully my mom seems to be coming around to the idea now.

"Sweetie I don't care who you are with, boy or girl, as long as he or she treats you right and you are happy. I just wish you would have told me sooner. Or at least that I wouldn't have found out like this." I feel relief knowing that Hanna's mom is being supportive to Hanna even though she isn't really gay or dating me. But the thought of having her approval is very welcoming and I feel a greater appreciation for her, she really is a great mother. "So how long have you two been sexually active?"

"Mom!" Hanna groans out and I decide that this is the best time to make my presence known. I knock on the door and smile at Hanna when she opens it.

"Hey." I greet her with a smile.

"Hey." She replies as she wraps her arms around my neck and stands on her tiptoes to press her lips against mine in a soft but short kiss. As she pulls away she whispers in a low voice against my ear so that only I can hear her, "Just play along." I try to ignore the fluttering in my stomach when I feel her warm breath against my neck and act surprise to see Mrs. Marin's.

"Uh, hello Mrs. Marin." I reply shyly.

"Emily, please call me Ashley, especially now that you seem to be dating my daughter." She teases me and I blush feeling awkward about having this conversation with her. I feel Hanna put her arm around my waist and lean against my body in an affectionate manner.

"I'm really sorry about not telling you sooner." I say while putting my arm around Hanna's shoulder.

"It's okay Emily. You don't have to explain yourself to me. All I want is for you to treat my daughter right, okay?"

I nod in confirmation as I force a smile on my face. This is so wrong. I shouldn't be lying to her. It feels like I'm abusing her trust and if she knew what I did…

"Well, I got to go to work but please behave," She says while grabbing her purse and keys, "and Hanna, please, no role-playing in the kitchen." Hanna only nods as her cheeks turn a cute shade of pink. When we finally hear the front door close we pull apart.

"Hanna, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have to lie to your mom like that and if you want me to tell her the truth I will. Whatever consequences come, I deserve."

"No. What happened wasn't your fault okay. For know we are just going to have to pretend to be together when we are around her. Besides I really don't think orange is your color." She says the last part with an honest smile, the type that is contagious and makes me smile in return. The smile that makes my lips tingle and my heart skip a beat. Damn it, I think I'm screwed.

* * *

A/N: LittleAshwee11: Thanks for reviewing. northernleo: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. Santana4ever: Thanks, I'll try to update frequently. welovePLL: Thanks. mereedithh: Thanks! t: Thanks, I'm glad you thought so. Cassie Noir: Thank you. Thanks to everyone who read, reviewed, favorited and alerted. I appreciate all the support. Hope you enjoyed the chapter.


	11. Futile

Disclaimer: If I did, I wouldn't be here.

A/N: Mature content. All mistakes are mine.

* * *

Under other circumstances or in the past before this whole mess, I know I would enjoy the chance to pretend to be Hanna's girlfriend. But right now it just feels so wrong and I know that on some level she must know that too. When I touch her she still flinches but she'll just smile at me and pretend nothing happened. Yet it still hurts, to think that she doesn't trust me or that she is afraid of me. I have to let her be the one to initiate contact.

"So have you heard from Spencer?" I ask her as I place a couple of DVDs on the coffee table.

"No, I went to visit her yesterday but she wouldn't let me in." She says with a frown. After the forest incident, Spencer has refused to see me and Hanna.

"Yeah she won't let me in either but thankfully Aria was finally able to make her eat something." I say with a sigh.

"This feels weird." She says across from me on the couch.

I look at her in confusion, "What hanging out with me?"

She smiles while shaking her head, "No movie night without Spencer and Aria." It does feel weird and not because we are minus two but because we haven't had time to just sit and relax, a moment where we can just have fun and be teenagers.

I smile it her and she smiles in return. "I'm going to go get the popcorn." She says standing up.

I watch her retreating figure reveling in the happiness of having my best friend back. A few minutes later she returns empty handed.

"Are you out of popcorn?" I asked her amused, "I can go buy some if you want?" She sits silently next to me with a blank expression. "Hanna, are you alright?" I ask worriedly.

I'm about to reach out and touch her shoulder when she suddenly turns and crashes her lips against mine. I feel my whole body tingle as she pushes me down against the couch so she is lying on top of me. At first I'm too shocked to act but then I close my eyes and start to kiss her back just as fervently. It's messy but it's passionate and to me it feels perfect. I tangle my hands in her hair enjoying the sensation of her lips on mine, of her body pressed tightly against me. Her hands start rubbing my sides before she slips her hands under my shirt softly caressing my skin. I shudder at the contact but yearn for more. I don't bother to think why she is doing this instead I get lost in the moment. She slips one of her legs between mine as she presses her thigh against my center. I let out a moan at the contact as I thrust against her, wanting more friction. I feel my breath hitch and she takes the opportunity to gently suck on my lower lip. My hips arch of the couch pressing against her. Her hands start moving up from my stomach stopping below my breast. I feel her lips move trailing kisses to my neck. The only sound I can hear is our shallow breaths and my beating heart. I let out a hiss when she bites my neck then gently sucking on the tender spot. At the moment I don't care about the mark she probably left behind only caring about the sensations, the heat raising off our bodies and this strong desire and need for her.

"Ahem." My eyes snap open as I push Hanna off of me but in the process we both fall of the couch landing on the floor with a thud.

"Mrs. Marin, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to disrespect your home." I spit out quickly in a nervous state, trying to calm my trembling hands.

"Only her daughter." Hanna mumbles and I notice her swollen lips.

"Emily, relax besides I told you to call me Ashley. Mrs. Marin reminds me of Tom's mother. I just wanted to tell Hanna that I'm leaving for my date with Ted. Behave," she directs the last part to Hanna before turning to me again, "and Emily, please keep Hanna out of the kitchen I don't want to get any calls from the fire department again."

I stand up giving Hanna a hand. I sit down with Hanna following suit except she sits on my lap instead.

"Mom! That was one time." Hanna whines but lightheartedly.

"Aluminum in the microwave, Hanna." I tease her remembering the incident that made Ashley ban Hanna from ever using the microwave again which wasn't that difficult considering what was left of it.

"Babe," I try not act surprise at the pet name, "it's not like it came with a warning label." She says with a smile before giving a soft but short kiss. All this affection makes me feel warm inside again.

I turn to see Mrs. Marin smile at our interactions before replying, "Okay well I'll be back by eleven, make sure the doors are locked."

"Okay bye mom, have fun on your date."

"Bye Ashley." I wait until I hear the car leave the driveway. "What was that?" I ask Hanna cautiously.

She gets off my lap and I instantly miss the warmth of her body, "I heard my mom talking to Ted, she was saying that she wasn't convinced that we were dating and she believes I'm hiding something. I know my mom she'll start digging unless I convinced her otherwise. It was a hasty decision but I think it worked."

I should have known it was all a show but damn it felt so real. It felt so good. "Yeah it worked alright." I let out a shaky breath while running a hand through my hair.

Going over the last minutes I remember my neck. "You gave me a hickey." I tell her as I place my hand on the tender spot in my neck.

"Sorry." She smiles sheepishly. "Well I'm going to go get the popcorn." She says before heading to the kitchen. She leaves alone me to contemplate the last minutes while trying to ignore the throbbing sensation between my legs. Fighting attraction is futile.

* * *

_Check the news._

I frown at the message from Aria. Grabbing the remote control I change the setting from DVD to TV and set it on a channel with the news.

"_The autopsy revealed that the body found in the woods is Lucas Gottesman a local Rosewood High student. The police are still trying to investigate if the young man's death was an accident, suicide or homicide. According to a close relative the victim was under various medications for the treatment of insomnia and bipolar disorder." _

I turn off the television after that. I turn to Hanna who looks deep in thought. "Hanna, are you okay?"

"He was my friend…" She whispers.

"I know." I put my arm around her holding her close. She cries silently into my shoulder. We just sit there for a while without speaking. Sometimes there is just nothing you could say. This must mean that Toby is alive.

"I'm going to go and see Spencer. You want to come?" She nods silently. I send a quick text to Aria asking her if she wants to come with us to see Spencer. She replies back quickly agreeing. I call Caleb, who is visiting his mother, to inform him of the situation. The rest of the drive to Aria's house is spent with Hanna staring out the window and me sneaking glances at her every now and then.

I pull up to Aria's house and she quickly gets in. "Hey." She greets us.

"Hi." I greet her back. She gives me a small smile that is quickly replaced with a curious look.

"What's that on your neck Emily?" She teases me, a smirk gracing her lips.

My hand quickly flies to cover the mark on my neck. "What? Nothing, I burn myself with the hair-straightener."

She laughs obviously seeing through my lie. "Em, you have straight her."

"So who's the lucky girl?" She asks me. I glance at Hanna who seems to be off in her own world. "Uh it's a long story, I'll explain later." She nods as I continue to drive in silence.

When we reach the Hastings residence we make our way to Spencer's room. I stop when I hear the two familiar voices coming from her room.

"_I'm so glad you're okay. Why didn't you tell me?"_

"_I was trying to protect you."_

I push the door open to be met with two familiar faces, one who I've known for years and the other who I feared dead.

"Toby?"

* * *

A/N: Feedmeadeadmaus5: Yes it's taken me a while but things are going to start and develop pretty quickly between Hanna and Emily thanks. Jesssierouge: Thanks, there is more to come. t: Yes she'll eventually be herself again. Recklesslittleliar: Thanks and I'll try. Rabbithole26: Thanks I'm glad you liked it you'll find out soon. Guest: Thanks I'm glad you are still enjoying the story. Santana4ever: Thanks! Guest: I don't know if I made it clear but in an earlier chapter they broke up and now they are just friends. Cassie Noir: That's what she said! Just kidding, thanks. ShadowsOnTheMoon: Thanks, I think Mrs. Marin is one of the most interesting parents on PLL. Guest: Thanks, I'm glad you like it. CassIngrid1: Thank you! heavy-chan: I'm glad you gave a chance, thanks! Hannily: Thank you, I appreciate the compliment! Luz: Thank you, I'm glad you liked it!

Thanks to all the alerts, favorites and reviews. Hope you enjoyed.


	12. Back to Step One

Disclaimer: If I did, I wouldn't be here.

A/N: Mature content and all mistakes are mine. I do apologize for the long wait.

* * *

"A offered me protection for Spencer if I joined."

"So you protect Spencer but hurt us instead?" Aria asks him.

A flash of hurt crosses his face for a second but just like that, it's gone. "No it was never like that. I figured that this would be the perfect opportunity to find out who A is. We were supposed to meet at a diner but A never showed up." He frowns as he explains and I think back to what Caleb told us.

"A set you guys up…" I whisper.

"What?" He looks at me confused.

"Caleb got an offer to join A as well. He was hoping to catch A and when he saw you at the diner, he thought it was you and came to inform us."

"So A knew all along…" Spencer says looking pensive but the look of hopelessness in her face is no longer present as she sits close to Toby on her bed.

"That or he was trying to test you. Either way A won." Aria replies gloomily.

"But what about…" I stop midsentence as I turn to look at Hanna who has been following the conversation but remained quiet. I know that Lucas death and betrayal has affected her deeply.

"Lucas." Toby finishes for me. "He came out of nowhere yelling that nobody betrays him. He said we play by his rules or people get hurt. We fought for a bit and then I ran. Even if he is- was part of the A team I don't think he was the main A. He seems- seemed to unstable, to reckless and impulsive. The main A calculates everything, plans out every detail, tends to draw things out."

I nod in agreement with Toby. The A in charger is very careful and tends to hit you were it most hurts.

"He was in the AV club." Spencer mumbles randomly.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Aria asks confused.

"He brought the cookies that day. He was the one that drugged Caleb and I."

I looked at Hanna's pained expression and gently hold her hand to offer her some comfort. "You okay?"

"He betrayed me. How many more of my friends are going to betray me?" She asks her voice broken.

Feeling the sting of her words I slowly let her hand go. "I'm sorry Hanna." I apologize knowing that I'm the other friend that betrayed her, that hurt her.

"So now we are back to step one and we don't even know if A is a guy or a girl." Spencer says solemnly.

* * *

I make my way down the hall to meet Mona before running off to hide from the blonde we both consider a best friend. Though in reality that is the reason I am hiding from her, my feelings for her have developed far more than friendship and that scares me. It's not just though fear of rejection from your straight best friend but the fear of hurting her again. Accompanied with the guilt of the pain I caused her I'm left with the feeling of not deserving her. Maybe this distance will quell my feelings.

"Hey." Mona's cheery voice greets me. I smile in return as she closes her locker. "Still avoiding them?"

"Yes." I reply with a shrug.

She huffs in annoyance, "Are you at least going to tell me why?"

"Nope." I smile at her knowing that she won't push me for more even though she doesn't agree with my decisions.

"So you are avoiding us then?" I turn around quickly to be met with the accusatory glare of the petite brunette. Unconsciously I rub my arm nervously but stop when I notice the look of worry that frames Aria's face.

"It's nothing against you," she gives me a questioning look and I realize what my choice of words can insinuate, "Or Spencer and Hanna. I just want to be alone."

"With Mona?" She raises an eyebrow at me insinuating something more.

My eyes widen as I look at a smirking Mona, "No! It's not… I just got use to her presence. I mean… it's complicated." I finish with a sigh.

"Okay. Just…" She stares at my arms for a second before looking at me again, "Please be careful and now that we are here for you."

I glance down feeling a bit embarrassed and whisper a thanks before she leaves.

"So, where to today?" She smiles at me, "And don't say the library again, I've already lost to many popularity points."

* * *

I close my locker with a sigh, feeling exhausted.

"Can I talk to you?" I turn to face the eyes of my ex-girlfriend. I find myself surprise that I feel no joy at seeing her again knowing that not that long ago I missed her, or maybe it was just the loneliness.

"Sure." I concede noting that the tone of her voice is calm and body language seems relaxed. I have no reason to fear a physical confrontation.

"Caleb talked to me," I raise me eyebrows in surprise. "He told me that the video was a fake and that you were innocent. That you never did those things."

"Oh." Seems to be the only response I can manage. Why would Caleb do this, my relationships are none of his concern.

"I wanted to apologize for not giving you a chance, for not letting you explain yourself." She says nervously.

"It's okay." I smile weakly at her not wanting to be here much longer. Everything between us just feels uncomfortable.

"And," she smiles softly at me as she reaches for my hand but all I can pay attention is how awkward her hand feels in mine. How it's not as soft as Hanna's. "I was wondering if you wanted us to get back together."

And for the second time that say all I can reply with is an, "Oh."

"Hey baby." Hanna greets me and I quickly remove my hand from Paige's. She puts her arms around my neck as she kisses me deeply not caring who is watching. I wrap my arms around her waist pulling her closer, getting lost in the soft sensation of her lips.

"Ahem," I pull away reluctantly staring at the clouded blue orbs in front of me. I turn to face the mother of my faux girlfriend while holding Hanna from behind. "Hello Ashley." I greet her with a smile.

"Hello Emily." She smiles in return, "So was that Paige."

"Yes." I mumble feeling a bit embarrassed and noticing that Paige has left. No doubt confused and embarrassed,

"So, what did she want?"Hanna asks me looking green-eyed and I get the sensation that she is no longer acting for the sake of her mom.

"She wanted to get back together," I tell her noticing the look of worry that crosses her face. "But there is only one girl for me." I say in a reassuring way but Hanna can only a force smile in return.

"Well Hanna lets go get your phone then," Mrs. Marin motions for Hanna to go, "and this better be the last time you get caught texting in class or you are going to find yourself without it for a month."

Hanna gives a small farewell kiss as she makes her way down the hall with her mom. "But mom that's like walking around without a brain." Hanna whines but doesn't protest after the glare she receives in response and I can help but smile at her antics. "Okay but just to be clear I can still text in class as long as I don't get caught right?"

Caught up on watching Hanna's retreating form I fail to notice Aria's presence. "Okay I don't get it just this morning you were avoiding her and since when has this been going on?"

"Exactly how much did you see?" I ask her nervously.

"All of it." She replies, scrutinizing my every move.

"It's not what you think. Damn I've been saying that too much." She looks at me expectantly and with a sigh I begin to explain, "A sent Mrs. Marin the video of that night."

Her face is consumed with shock and worry. "How'd she react?"

"Furious I would say." I look at Aria's attentive stare. "She obviously thought it was what it was." I take a deep breath still feeling guilty about lying, about what I did to her. "Hanna made up this lie and now she thinks that Hanna and I are in a relationship and have been for a while."

"So you guys aren't really together." She questions.

"No." I think about how Hanna must feel about this, she obviously doesn't feel completely comfortable with me yet. Instead of voicing my insecurities like I normally would have with any of my best friends I remain quiet.

"Well if swimming doesn't work out for you, you can always be an actress." I smile back at her thinking that with Hanna, acting isn't so hard on my part.

* * *

I run my fingers over the cuts on my arm trying to control the urge to find something sharp. Even though Spencer took all the razors from my bathroom I know the house isn't bare of other tools. I feel the nerves in my stomach as I try to reach a conclusion on my feelings for Hanna. I can't deny my attraction for her but I can't fight the guilt I feel and even if I do accept my feelings for her, then what? She's only playing pretend with me, she's not gay and she couldn't possibly return my feelings. She could do so much better, she deserves better. I roll my sleeves down as I stare at the ceiling lost in thought.

"Thinking about Paige?" I turn to the doorway to see her leaning against the doorway.

"Not even a bit." I answer truthfully as I offer her a small smile.

She stares attentively at me and I can see she is carefully choosing her next words. "If you want to get back together with her don't worry about it, I'll make up something to tell my mom."

I frown at the thought of losing her. "Is that what you want?" I feel my stomach twist and turn at what she might respond.

"No."She murmurs.

"Good because I don't want to get back together with her." She smiles shyly as she sits next to me.

"I… there are some many things I want to say but I… I don't know how." She looks at anything but me her blue eyes moving nervously across the room.

I grab her hand to reassure her, "You know you can-"

She cuts me off as she throws herself at me, meeting my unsuspecting lips in a fierce kiss and though this isn't our first kiss she still catches me off guard causing a fluttering in my stomach. Her soft lips moving against mine in perfect harmony. I feel her tongue beg for entrance and I quickly grant it as our tongues battle for dominance. I wrap my arms around her waist as she tangles her hands in my hair, pushing me back on the bed.

My hands slide under her shirt relishing in the softness of her skin. I feel her body shiver above mine.

_Stop…_

I feel my stomach turn but this time in an unpleasant way. My hands still and I feel as if my body has shut down.

_Please stop…_

I feel my whole body tense and I stop kissing her back. I feel Hanna stop her attack on my lips as she slowly removes herself from on top of me.

I can hear distant sobbing and pleas. Images of bloodshot eyes cross my mind.

"Emily, are you okay?" I faintly hear her ask me.

My throat feels constricted that even if I knew what to say I don't think I could. I meet her troubled eyes only to look away quickly. Feeling disgusted with myself I stand on my shaky legs and dash to the bathroom locking it behind me. I feel myself heaving as a strong sense to throw up invades me. I ignore the pounding on the door as fear consumes me.

What if I hurt her again?

* * *

A/N: Thanks for all the support and reviews. You guys are awesome, seriously.

Insertnameherex: Thank you, I'm glad you're enjoying the Hannily. liberal4peace: Thanks for reviewing! JessieRouge: Thanks and I'm sorry that I take long to update but inspiration comes and goes but I'll try. feedmeadeadmau5: Your review made me laugh :) yeah I know the kiss was random but I hope I made it clear why. .Ashwee.11: (: RabbitHole26: Thanks. Recklesslittleliar: She does. Luz: Thanks. Asdfghjk: Thanks Arial Wolf: You're welcome. Sisterkayy: Thanks. Everydaydreamer: Thanks for your review and I apologize for the long wait. What is GOT? Intheuniverse1994: Thanks and I'm glad it's not coming off as awkward. Fat Amy: Hope this chapter answered your question. Brittandsan4evs: Glad you like it. CassIngrid1: Sorry for the long wait but hopefully it was worth it. InnaS: Thanks. Naddo: Thank you. Kiggy101: Glad you liked it.


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